How to Handle Awkward Friend Request Family Relative

This article originally appeared on 03.xi.xvi

This post was originally published on Expect Just Why.

When y'all're a kid, or in high school or higher, y'all commonly don't work too hard on your friend situations. Friends simply kind of happen.

For a agglomeration of years, you're in a certain life your parents chose for you, and and then are other people, and none of you have that much on your plates, and then friendships inevitably course. Then in higher, you're in the perfect friend-making surroundings, 1 that hits all three ingredients sociologists consider necessary for close friendships to develop: "proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their baby-sit down and confide in each other." More than friendships happen.

Maybe they're the right friends, perchance they're non actually. But you don't put that much idea into any of it — you're still more than of a passive observer.

But once student life ends, the people in your life start to shake themselves into more distinct tiers.

Information technology looks something like this mountain:

via Await But Why mail and used with permission.

At the pinnacle of your life mountain, in the green zone, yous have your Tier 1 friends — the people who experience like brothers and sisters.

These are the people closest to you, the ones you call beginning when something important happens, the ones you honey even when they suck, who make speeches at your wedding, whose best and worst sides you lot know through and through, and whose human relationship with you lot is eternal; even if y'all go months or years without hanging out, nix has changed when you find yourself together again.

Unfortunately, depending on how things went downwardly in your youth, Tier 1 can too contain your worst enemies, the people who tin ruin your day with i subtle jab that merely they could word so brilliantly hurtfully, the people yous feel a burning resentment for, or jealousy of, or competition with. Tier one is high stakes.

Below, in the yellow zone, are your Tier 2 friends: your Pretty Skillful friends.

Pretty Skillful friends are a much calmer situation than your brothers and sisters on Tier one. You might exist invited to their hymeneals, but you won't have any responsibilities once yous're there. If you lot live in the same urban center, you might see them every month or ii for dinner and have a neat fourth dimension when yous do, but if ane of you moves, you lot might not speak for the next year or two. And if something huge happens in their life, at that place's a good take chances you'll hear information technology outset from someone else.

Toward the bottom of the mountain in the orange zone, you lot have your Tier 3 friends: your Not Really friends.

You might grab a one-on-i drink with one of them when yous motility to their city, simply then it surprises neither of you lot when five years laissez passer and drink #two is still yet to happen. Your relationship tends to exist by and large equally part of a bigger grouping or through the occasional Facebook Like, and it doesn't even really stress you lot out when you hear that i of them fabricated $5 million final year. You lot may also try to slumber with one of these people at any given time.

The lowest part of Tier three begins to blend indistinguishably into your large group of acquaintances (the pink zone): those people you lot'd stop and talk to if you lot saw them on the street or would maybe email for professional purposes but whom you'd never hang out with 1-on-i. When you hear that something bad happens to one of these people, yous pretend to be pitiful simply you don't actually care.

Finally, acquaintances gradually blend into the endless world of strangers.

And depending on who you are and how things shook out in those first 25 years, the mode your particular mountain looks will vary.

For example, there'south Walled-Off Wally:

via Wait But Why postal service and used with permission.

And Phony Phoebe, who tries to be everyone's best friend and ends up with a lot of people mad at her:

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Even Unabomber Ulysses has a mountain:

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Whatever your particular mount looks like, somewhen the mistiness of your youth is backside y'all, the dust has settled, and in that location you are living your life.

And so one solar day, usually around your mid- or late 20s, it hits you lot: Information technology's not that easy to make friends anymore.

Sure, you lot'll make new friends in the future — at piece of work, through your spouse, through your kids — but you won't get to that Tier i brothers level, or even to Tier 2, with very many of them because people who meet as adults don't tend to get through the 100+ long, lazy hangouts needed to reach a bond of that strength. Equally time goes on, you start to realize that the 20-year frenzy of not-especially-thought-through haphazard friend-making you lot just did was the critical process of you making most of your lifelong friends.

And since you matched up with most of them A) past circumstance, and B) before you really knew yourself yet, the result is that your Tier 1 and Tier 2 friends — those closest to you — fall in a very scattered mode on what I'll telephone call the Does This Friendship Brand Sense graph:

via Wait But Why post and used with permission.

And so, who are all those shut friends in the iii non-ideal quadrants?

Every bit time goes on, almost of united states of america tend to have fewer friends in Quadrants 2 through 4 because A) people mature, and B) people have more self-respect and higher standards for what they'll deal with as they become older. But the fact is, friendships fabricated in the formative years frequently stick, whether they're ideal or not, leaving most of usa with a portion of our Tier i and Tier 2 friendships that just don't make that much sense. We'll get to the great, Quadrant 1 friendships afterwards in the mail, but in order to care for those relationships properly, we need to have a thorough look at the odd ones beginning.

Here are ten common ones:

1. The non-question-asking friend

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Y'all'll exist having a good day. You lot'll be having a bad day. You'll be happy at work. Yous'll quit your chore. You lot'll fall in honey. Y'all'll catch your new honey cheating on you lot and murder them both in an act of incredible passion. And it doesn't affair, because none of it will be discussed with The Not-Question-Request Friend, who never, ever, ever asks you anything about your life. This friend tin can be explained in ane of iii means:

He's extremely cocky-captivated and only wants to talk about himself.
He avoids getting close to people and doesn't desire to talk well-nigh either you or himself or anything personal, just third-party topics.
He thinks you lot're insufferably cocky-absorbed and knows if he asks you virtually your life, you'll talk his ear off most it.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt hither, we're left with 2 possibilities. Possibility #1 isn't fun at all and this person should not be allowed space on Tier one. The light-green part of the mountain is sacred territory, and super self-absorbed people shouldn't be permitted to ready foot upward there. Put him on Tier 2 and just exist happy y'all're not dating him.

Possibility #2 is a pretty dark situation for your friend, merely it can actually be fun for yous. I accept a friend who I've hung out with one-on-1 nearly 4 times in the last year, and he has no idea Wait Only Why exists. I've known him for 14 years and I'm not sure he knows if I have siblings or non. But I really bask the shit out of this friend — sure, there's a limit on how close we'll ever be, but without ever spending time talking about our lives, we really end upwardly in a lot of fun, interesting conversations.

ii. The friend in the group you can't be alone with under any circumstances

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In well-nigh every group of friends, in that location'southward one pair who can't ever be alone together. It'southward non that they dislike each other — they might become along great — it's merely that they take no individual friendship with each other whatever. This leaves both of them petrified of the lumbering elephant that appears in the room anytime they're alone together. They're fashion too on pinnacle of shit to e'er end upwards in the machine alone together if a group is going somewhere in multiple cars, simply there are smaller dangers afoot — like being the first two to arrive at a eating place or being in a group of three when the third member goes to the bath.

The affair is, sometimes it's not even that these people couldn't take an individual friendship — information technology'due south just that they don't, and neither one has the guts to try to make that leap when things have gone on for and so long as is.

3. The non-grapheme-breaking friend you lot take to exist "on" with

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This is a friend who's terrified of having an earnest interaction, and as such, your friendship with him is always in some kind of skit — you lot always accept to be on when yous're interacting.

Sometimes the skit is that you lot both flare-up out laughing at everything constantly. He can only exist with you in "This is so fucking hilarious, information technology's too much!" manner, and so yous accept to be in some kind of joke-telling or sarcastic mode yourself at all times or he'll go socially horrified.

Another version of this is the "always and just ironic" friend, who you really bum out if you ever suspension that social shell and say something earnest. This type of person hates hostage people because someone being earnest dares him to come up out from under his ironic safety coating and let the dominicus impact his face up, and no fucking thanks.

A tertiary example is the "Yous're great, I'thou great, ugh why is anybody else so terrible and not great like u.s.a." friend. Of class, she doesn't actually call back you lot're perfectly great at all — if she were with someone else, you'd be ane of the voodoo dolls on the table to be dissected and scoffed at. The cardinal here is that the 2 of you must be on a team at all times while interacting. The only comfortable style for this person is bonding with you past building a fiddling pedestal for you both to stand on while yous criticize everyone else. You tin either play along and everything will become smoothly, fifty-fifty though you'll both despise yourselves and each other the whole time, or you can commit the ultimate sin and accept the integrity to disagree with the friend or defend a non-present party the friend criticizes. Doing this will shatter the delicate team vibe and brand the friend recoil and say something quietly similar, "Hm ... yeah ... I approximate." The friend now respects you for the first time and will as well criticize you lot actress difficult next time she's playing her pedestal game with a different friend.

What these all accept in mutual is the friend has tall walls upwards, at least toward you, and and so she builds a little skit for you ii to hang out in to make sure any authentic connectedness tin can be avoided. Sometimes that person simply does this out of her own social anxiety and tin can become a bang-up, authentic friend if you tin can just stomp through the ice. Other times, the person is just hopelessly scared and closed off and there'due south no hope and you have to go out.

In any case, I can't stand these interactions and am in a full panic the entire time they're happening.

iv. The double-obligated friendship

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Recall of a friend you go together with from time to time, which ordinarily happens later a long and lackluster e-mail or text substitution during which you but tin can't notice a time that works for both of yous — and you're never really happy when these plans are being made and not really psyched when you wake up and it'due south finally on your schedule for that day.

Maybe you lot're aware that you don't want to exist friends with that person, or perhaps you're delusional near it — but what you're well-nigh likely not aware of is that they probably don't want to encounter you either.

There are lopsided situations where one person is far more than interested in hanging out than the other (nosotros'll get to those afterward), simply in the example nosotros're talking about here, both parties often call up information technology'southward a lopsided state of affairs without realizing that the other person actually feels the same manner — that's why it takes so long to schedule a time. When someone'southward excited about something, they figure out how to go it into their schedule; when they're not, they figure out ways to push it farther into the hereafter.

Sometimes you don't think difficult plenty about it to even realize you don't similar beingness friends with the person, and other times you lot really similar the idea or the aesthetic of being friends with that detail person — beingness friends with them is part of your Story. Only even in cases where yous're perfectly lucid almost your feelings, since neither of you knows the other feels the same way and neither has the guts to just cut things off or move it down a tier, this friendship usually just continues along for eternity.

v. The half-marriage

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Somewhere in your life, y'all're probably part of a friendship that would be a wedlock if simply the other person weren't very, very, extremely not interested in that happening. 1 for ii on aye votes — but ane vote away — so close.

You might exist on either side of this — and either manner, it's one of the least salubrious parts of your life. Fun!

If you're on the if only side of things, probably the right move is to get your fucking shit together? Ya know? This friendship is 1 long, continuous rejection of you lot every bit a homo, and you lot're just wallowing there in your yearning like a sobbing little seal. Plus, duh, if you get together your self-respect and move on with your life, it'll heighten their perception of your value and they might actually become interested in yous.

If you're on the Oh yep, definitely not side of the state of affairs, here's what's happening: There's this suffering human in the world, and you know they're suffering, and you fucking dearest it, because it gives your niggling ego a succulent sponge bath every time yous hang out with them. You relish it so much you probably even lead them on intentionally, don't you lot — you lot make sure to keep merely plenty ambivalence in the state of affairs that their bleeding heart continues to lather your ego from head to toe at your whim.

Both of you — go do something else.

half-dozen. The historical friend

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A Historical Friend is someone yous became friends with in the kickoff identify because y'all met when y'all were little and stayed friends through the years, fifty-fifty though yous're a very weird match. Most old friends autumn somewhat into this category, simply a truthful Historical Friend is someone you absolutely would not be friends with if you met them today.

Yous're not particularly pleased with who they are, and they feel the aforementioned manner about you. You lot're not each other'south type 1 flake. Unfortunately, y'all're too extremely close friends from when y'all were iv, and you're both just a part of each other's state of affairs forever, sorry.

7. The non-parallel life paths friendship

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Throughout childhood and much of young adulthood, about people your age are in the same life stage as you lot are. But when it comes to advancing into full adulthood, people do so at widely varying paces, which leads to certain friends suddenly having totally dissimilar existences from 1 another.

Anyone within 3 years of thirty has a bunch of these going on. It'due south but a weird time for everyone. Some people accept become Future 52-year-olds, while others are super into being Previous 21-yr-olds. At some signal, things will start to meld together over again, but beingness 30-ish is the friendship equivalent of a child going through an bad-mannered pubescent stage.

In that location are darker, more permanent Not-Parallel Life Path situations. Similar when Person A starts to become a person who rejects cloth wealth, partially because she genuinely feels that pursuing an artistic path matters more and partially because she needs a defense mechanism against feeling envious of richer people, and Person B's path makes her scoff at people who pursue creative paths, partially because she genuinely thinks expressing yourself is an inherently narcissistic venture and partially because she needs a defense machinery against feeling regretful that she never pursued her creative dreams — these two will take issues.

They may still like each other, but they tin can't be as shut as they used to be — each of their lives is a bit of a middle finger at the other'due south choices, and that's jst bad-mannered for everyone. It'southward not e'er that bad — but to survive an Off-Line Life Situation, friends demand to be really unlike people who don't at all want the same things out of life.

8. The frenemy

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The Frenemy roots very hard against you. And I'chiliad non talking about the friends that will feel a little twinge of pleasance when they hear your big break didn't pan out after all or that your human relationship is in bad shape. I'chiliad not fifty-fifty talking about someone who secretly roots against you when they're not doing so well at some area of life and it hurts them to encounter you do better. Those are bad emotions, but they can exist in people who are still skilful friends.

I'1000 talking nearly a existent Frenemy — someone who really wants bad things for y'all. Because you lot're yous.

Yous and the Frenemy usually get fashion back, have a very deep friendship, and the problem probably started a long time ago. At that place'south a lot of circuitous psychology going on in these situations that I don't fully empathise, just my hunch is that a Frenemy's resentment is rooted in his own pain, or his own shortcomings, or his own regret — and for some reason, your beingness stings them in these places difficult.

A trivial less dark but no less harmful is a bully situation where a friend sees some weakness or vulnerability in you and she enjoys prodding you there either for sadistic reasons or to prop herself up.

A Frenemy knows how to hurt you better than anyone because you're securely similar in some way and she knows how yous're wired. She'll practise whatever she tin to bring you lot down any chance she gets, often in such a subtle mode it's difficult to see that it's happening.

Whatever the reason, if you accept a Frenemy in your life, kick her toxic donkey off your mountain, or at least kick her downwards the mount — just get her off of Tier ane. A Frenemy has about a 10th of the power to hurt you from Tier two as she does from Tier 1.

nine. The Facebook celebrity friend

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This person isn't a celebrity to anyone other than you, you creep. You know exactly who I'm talking well-nigh — there are a small scattering of people whose Facebook page you're uncomfortably well-acquainted with, and those people accept no idea that this is happening. On the plus side, at that place are people out there you haven't spoken to in seven years who know all about the new thing you're trying with your hair, since it goes both means.

This is a rare Tier 3 friend, or even an acquaintance, who qualifies as an odd friendship considering you found a way to brand it unhealthy fifty-fifty though you're non actually friends. Well done.

10. The lopsided friendship

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There are a lot of ways a friendship can be lopsided: Someone can be higher on their friend's mountain than vice versa. Someone tin want to spend more time with a friend than vice versa. One fellow member tin consistently exercise 90% of the listening and only 10% of the talking, and in situations where most of the talking is about life bug, what'south happening is a one-sided therapy state of affairs, with a badly off-balance word ratio, and that's non much of a friendship — it's someone using someone else.

And then in that location'south the lopsided power friendship. Of course, this is a hideous quality in many not-great couples, but it's also a prominent feature of plenty of friendships.

A near 50/50 friendship is ideal, simply annihilation out to 65/35 is fine and can often exist attributed to 2 different styles of personality. It'due south when the number gap gets even wider that something less healthy is going on — something that doesn't reflect very well on either party.

At that place are some obvious ways to assess the nature of a friendship'southward power dynamic: Does 1 person cut in and interrupt the other person while they're talking far more than the other way around? Is one person'southward stance or preference just kind of understood to carry more weight than the other'due south? Is ane person immune to exist more of a dick to the other than vice versa?

Another interesting litmus test is what I phone call the "mood determiner examination." This comes into play when two friends gather but they're in very different moods — the idea is, whose mood "wins" and determines the mood of the hangout. If Person A is in a bad mood, Person B is in a good mood, and Person B reacts by beingness timid and respectful of Person A's mood, leaving the vibe down at that place until Person A snaps out of it on her ain — merely when the moods are reversed, Person B quickly disregards her own bad mood and acts more than cheerful to match Person A'due south happy mood — and this is how information technology always goes — then Person A is in a serious power position.

But hey, non all friendships are grim.

In the Does This Friendship Make Sense graph above, the friendships we only discussed are all in Quandrants two, 3, or 4 — i.e., they're all a fleck unenjoyable, unhealthy, or both. That's why this has been depressing. On the bright side, in that location's also Quadrant 1 — all the friendships that do make sense.

No friendship is perfect, but those in Quadrant ane are doing what friendships are supposed to practice: They're making the lives of both parties better. And when a friendship is both in Quadrant 1 of the graph and on Tier 1 of your mountain, that friendship is a rock in your life.

Rock friendships don't just make us happy — they're the thing (forth with stone family and romantic relationships) that makes us happy.

Investing serious time and energy into those is a no-brainer long-term life strategy. Merely in the example of most people over 25 — at least in New York — I recollect A) not enough fourth dimension is carved out as dedicated friend fourth dimension, and B) the time that is carved out is spread likewise thin, and besides evenly, among the Tier 1 and Tier 2 friendships in all four quadrants. I'g definitely guilty of this myself.

There'south something I call the Perpetual Catch-Up Trap. When you haven't seen a adept friend in a long time, the first order of business concern is a big take hold of-upwardly — yous desire to know what'southward going on in their career, with their girlfriend, with their family, etc., and they want to catch upwardly on your life. In theory, once this happens, yous tin can get back to just hanging out, shooting the shit, and actually being in the friendship. The trouble is, when you don't make enough time for good friends, seeing them but for a meal and non that often — you end up spending each go-together catching upwards, and yous never actually get to just savour the friendship or get far past the surface. That's the Perpetual Catch-Upwardly Trap, and I find myself falling into it with way too many of the rocks in my life.

In that location are two orders of business concern right now:

First, think about your friendships, figure out which ones aren't in Quadrant 1, and demote them downwards the mount. I'grand not suggesting y'all finish being friends with those people — you nevertheless love them and feel loyal to them, and former friends are critical to hold onto — but if the friendships aren't that healthy or enjoyable, they don't actually deserve to be in your Tier one, and y'all probably shouldn't be in theirs. Well-nigh importantly, doing this clears upwards time to...

Second, dedicate fifty-fifty more than time to the Quadrant i, Tier 1 rocks in your life. If yous're in your mid-20s or older, your current rocks are probably the only ones you'll ever have. Your stone friendships don't warrant two times the fourth dimension you give to your other friends — they warrant five or 10 times!

Your rocks deserve serious, defended time so you can stay shut. So go brand plans with them.

There are a lot of means a friendship can be lopsided: Someone tin can be higher on their friend's mountain than vice versa. Someone can want to spend more than time with a friend than vice versa. One member can consistently do 90% of the listening and simply 10% of the talking, and in situations where most of the talking is almost life problems, what'southward happening is a ane-sided therapy situation, with a badly off-residuum give-and-take ratio, and that'southward not much of a friendship — information technology's someone using someone else.

And then at that place'south the lopsided power friendship. Of grade, this is a hideous quality in many non-great couples, but it'south also a prominent feature of plenty of friendships.

A near 50/50 friendship is ideal, only anything out to 65/35 is fine and tin can oftentimes be attributed to two different styles of personality. It's when the number gap gets fifty-fifty wider that something less healthy is going on — something that doesn't reflect very well on either political party.

There are some obvious ways to assess the nature of a friendship's ability dynamic: Does one person cut in and interrupt the other person while they're talking far more than the other mode around? Is i person's stance or preference merely kind of understood to carry more weight than the other'due south? Is 1 person immune to be more of a dick to the other than vice versa?

Another interesting litmus test is what I call the "mood determiner test." This comes into play when two friends gather but they're in very unlike moods — the idea is, whose mood "wins" and determines the mood of the hangout. If Person A is in a bad mood, Person B is in a expert mood, and Person B reacts by being timid and respectful of Person A's mood, leaving the vibe downward there until Person A snaps out of it on her own — just when the moods are reversed, Person B chop-chop disregards her ain bad mood and acts more cheerful to match Person A'south happy mood — and this is how it always goes — and so Person A is in a serious power position.

But hey, not all friendships are grim.

In the Does This Friendship Make Sense graph above, the friendships we just discussed are all in Quandrants two, 3, or 4 — i.eastward., they're all a bit unenjoyable, unhealthy, or both. That's why this has been depressing. On the bright side, there'due south as well Quadrant 1 — all the friendships that exercise make sense.

No friendship is perfect, only those in Quadrant 1 are doing what friendships are supposed to exercise: They're making the lives of both parties amend. And when a friendship is both in Quadrant 1 of the graph and on Tier ane of your mountain, that friendship is a rock in your life.

Rock friendships don't just make us happy — they're the thing (along with stone family and romantic relationships) that makes us happy.

Investing serious time and free energy into those is a no-brainer long-term life strategy. But in the example of most people over 25 — at least in New York — I think A) non enough time is carved out as defended friend time, and B) the fourth dimension that is carved out is spread too thin, and too evenly, amid the Tier 1 and Tier 2 friendships in all four quadrants. I'm definitely guilty of this myself.

There'southward something I call the Perpetual Catch-Upwardly Trap. When you haven't seen a good friend in a long fourth dimension, the first gild of business is a big catch-up — you want to know what'south going on in their career, with their girlfriend, with their family, etc., and they want to catch up on your life. In theory, once this happens, yous tin can get back to but hanging out, shooting the shit, and actually being in the friendship. The problem is, when you don't brand plenty time for good friends, seeing them but for a repast and not that frequently — yous stop up spending each get-together catching upward, and y'all never actually get to just enjoy the friendship or get far past the surface. That's the Perpetual Catch-Up Trap, and I find myself falling into information technology with way too many of the rocks in my life.

There are ii orders of business concern correct now:

Get-go, recall about your friendships, figure out which ones aren't in Quadrant 1, and bench them down the mount. I'thousand not suggesting yous stop beingness friends with those people — y'all yet love them and experience loyal to them, and sometime friends are critical to hold onto — but if the friendships aren't that healthy or enjoyable, they don't really deserve to be in your Tier 1, and you probably shouldn't be in theirs. Most importantly, doing this clears up time to...

Second, dedicate even more fourth dimension to the Quadrant i, Tier one rocks in your life. If y'all're in your mid-20s or older, your current rocks are probably the only ones you'll ever accept. Your rock friendships don't warrant two times the time you give to your other friends — they warrant five or 10 times!

Your rocks deserve serious, dedicated time so you tin stay close. So go make plans with them.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/10-awkward-friendships-you-probably-have-we-all-have-a-9